I've decided to name my left leg, "Smith." The last two days have been spent catering to my busted left knee, and anything that high maintenance deserves a name. Smith refuses to bear weight when in any position other than perfectly straight. Why "Smith," you ask? It's a joke in the movie Mary Poppins. The one chap says to the other, "I've just met a man with a wooden leg named Smith." The other chap replies, "What's the name of his other leg?" Makes me laugh even writing it now.
So, Smith had me defeated for a while. I was moving slowly and in constant pain. There were tears and foul language and general frustration. But I'm forty miles from Monson and only have five days of food, so sitting still isn't an option. Finally with some experimentation, I was able to save myself with..... Funny Walks!
My knee bears weight perfectly fine when straight, it's just the bending that's the problem. So my first funny walk is the "German Soldier" where I lift Ol' Smithy straight out in front of me, put some weight on my trekking poles and kind of pole vault myself up and over said straightened leg. This works great for gentle up hills and down hills and can even be used in root and rock hopping scenarios!
If I've got good, flat, level ground, I can really get some speed up with the "Tetherball" wherein I step forward with my right leg, then swing my left around in a great big arc. Beware, you can get carried away with this one, build up too much rotational velocity, and really throw yourself for a loop. Use with caution.
On steep downhills, I do what I've termed "How's the Water." I set myself good and stable on my trekking poles and gently lower Smith's big toe down to the next rock, similar to checking the temperature of a questionable swimming hole. Works like a champ except my right quad is going to end up three times as big as my left. I'll be like Hellboy but with one big leg instead of arm.
Last but not least is "Zombie With a Walker," an absolute necessity on steep climbs. I plant my trekking poles ahead of me, take a big step with my right leg, then drag Smith up behind me like a dead body. It's an ungainly, asymmetrical motion, but I get where I'm headed.
I should note that my internal monologue when reading profile maps is far more interesting now. I used to think, "Well, I've got good level ground for a while, then steep climbs into and out of that valley." Now that assessment runs more like, "That's definitely German Soldier area there, maybe even with some good Tetherballing mixed in, but it's a whole lot of How's the Water and Zombie With a Walker after that."
With my funny walks, I've picked up some speed, and my knee isn't nearly as sore at the end of the day. Win!
So, Smith had me defeated for a while. I was moving slowly and in constant pain. There were tears and foul language and general frustration. But I'm forty miles from Monson and only have five days of food, so sitting still isn't an option. Finally with some experimentation, I was able to save myself with..... Funny Walks!
My knee bears weight perfectly fine when straight, it's just the bending that's the problem. So my first funny walk is the "German Soldier" where I lift Ol' Smithy straight out in front of me, put some weight on my trekking poles and kind of pole vault myself up and over said straightened leg. This works great for gentle up hills and down hills and can even be used in root and rock hopping scenarios!
If I've got good, flat, level ground, I can really get some speed up with the "Tetherball" wherein I step forward with my right leg, then swing my left around in a great big arc. Beware, you can get carried away with this one, build up too much rotational velocity, and really throw yourself for a loop. Use with caution.
On steep downhills, I do what I've termed "How's the Water." I set myself good and stable on my trekking poles and gently lower Smith's big toe down to the next rock, similar to checking the temperature of a questionable swimming hole. Works like a champ except my right quad is going to end up three times as big as my left. I'll be like Hellboy but with one big leg instead of arm.
Last but not least is "Zombie With a Walker," an absolute necessity on steep climbs. I plant my trekking poles ahead of me, take a big step with my right leg, then drag Smith up behind me like a dead body. It's an ungainly, asymmetrical motion, but I get where I'm headed.
I should note that my internal monologue when reading profile maps is far more interesting now. I used to think, "Well, I've got good level ground for a while, then steep climbs into and out of that valley." Now that assessment runs more like, "That's definitely German Soldier area there, maybe even with some good Tetherballing mixed in, but it's a whole lot of How's the Water and Zombie With a Walker after that."
With my funny walks, I've picked up some speed, and my knee isn't nearly as sore at the end of the day. Win!
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